by Emma Freeman

I used to live on a rollercoaster

that took me on a winding track of high highs

and low lows

over and over and over again

All day every day

the build up, the rush

the anticipation of the high

was exhilarating and intoxicating

But it always, inevitably

led to the fall from way up there

down

into sadness and loneliness

into confusion and emptiness

into despair and suffering

So I would hold on tight and wait to turn the corner

where I could set my sights on the next high off in the distance

my body flooding with the chemicals of possibility

of hope and fantasy

that this time might be different

that this time I might be able to stay up there

and live inside the high forever

But, inevitably

I would quickly slide back down the track

towards the familiar low places I didn’t want to go back to

the shadowy places that scared me

and left me wanting to avoid them at all costs

And all of that time

I had no idea there was even a track at all

a loop repeating itself on autopilot

over and over again

and that there might actually be a way

to come to a complete stop

and step off of that ride all together…