Out in the Darkness

by Emma Freeman

As we drove along the familiar highway

with boxes packed full of my messy regrets

I stared out the window into the open darkness covering the fields

my mind suspended in the thick resin of loss

what was known and loved suddenly gone

My body filled with layers of grief

like 1,000 sheets of tissue paper threatening to suffocate me

As a tidal wave of tears welled up behind my eyes

I tried to hold it back

afraid and embarrassed by its power

by all that was coming undone inside of me

When suddenly I sensed something 

out in the darkness I was staring into

and tried to tune into it more closely

like dialing in a radio station full of static

Out of nowhere which is always somewhere

I felt a subtle, complex presence 

vibrating and weaving the darkness together

In that silent, expansive moment

I heard a message come through

What you have left is dead now

disintegrating into your being

to be reintegrated in new ways you will soon discover

It is time for you to walk deep into your own darkness

A sacred journey to come face to face

with all that you have been trying to avoid

This will be incredibly difficult

and profoundly awakening

and will take you where you most need to go

You will find candles waiting for you along the way

but you must be brave enough to go all the way down

the shadowy paths you fear most

for that is where the light will be waiting 

Guides will arrive when you most need them

many will come in unexpected forms

some will be humans across space and time

others will be trees, feathers and old cloth

You will need to befriend silence and stillness

and begin to listen to your body 

in ways you never have before

for it is there inside you that the clues will arrive 

for you to follow

The whispers and the shouts

The nudges and the inklings

The questions and the insights

Prepare to be surprised 

by all that you are about to discover 

and how that impossibly heavy pain you are carrying now 

will slowly begin to shed and compost within you

feeding the seeds of light buried deep down

that will slowly grow and grow

Light that will be shaped by the darkness 

and all that you are so afraid to touch

giving it depth and dimension

anchoring it within you

creating a radiant strength

that only comes from this kind of pilgrimage

 into the shadows 

And then as quickly as it appeared

It disappeared and I was back inside the car

staring out the window into the open darkness

waiting for the future to unfold